Steady, fan. Ben Stokes's side could be entering the upcoming Ashes Test already 2-0 down, but not everyone in English cricket is disheartened. Exists one unit tailor-made for this scenario, a dedicated unit who consider themselves the quintessential masters of adversity. Have your dreams been shattered? Are you crushed beneath the burden of unmet expectation? Well then, join the Barmy Army.
Already, their early arrivals are gathering in Adelaide, the city where they were established 30 years ago. England's most famous – and for their size noisiest – travelling fans will be hoping for an triumphant anniversary upset, similar to the one they saw on that historic tour. And whatever happens on the pitch, away from the field the revelries will be extensive and boisterous.
"The cricket's been extremely disappointing," one founder concedes, "but we're the lucky ones, because we're on holiday. It's likely harder for the people at home."
Despite Bazball's nuclear implosion can't shake this band of seasoned campaigners. They've been observing England's top-order failures since before the latest star started playing. They've seen more spilled chances than some bowlers have international dismissals. Their personal stats as an Ashes supporters' club stands at: a long history with more defeats than victories. The people who understand how to weather a whitewash, they are the founding members.
Indeed, for viewers at home, the Barmy Army do seem to be all over during this Ashes. Australian cameras at the grounds often appear more focused on the Barmies than in their own fans. TV partners frequently use them as atmosphere-building buildup to a day's play. Even the athletes on the field acknowledge them, with someone clad as a monarch starting a chorus of a well-known tune.
Perhaps that the Barmy Army's dual effect of endurance and ubiquity has now overshadowed quite how stunning their dominance of tourist following has been. Thirty years in the past a small group travelling fans were united in good-natured humour about failure at England's woeful away record. In the present day their reputation is so synonymous with the men's Test side that their vibrant, "unique" crowd is all but part of the furniture. They've certainly come a great distance since the early days.
One original still remembers the buoyant hope of the series start of that 1994-95 tour. After the opposition on top, he initiated a six-person conga in the stands, winding up the home fans with a chant about the past. "Local crowds shouted insults at us, then threw drink containers – the kind of thing that we sometimes receive today," he says. "Yet when we got back our small band of England followers had all joined in."
Following an early setback, England's tour continued to struggle. Those backing the team around the country surely was barmy indeed. By the time the bigger venues their crowd had grown significantly. The players, however, genuinely enjoyed their presence at the grounds. When England pulled off a face-saving victory, a team captain beckoned a supporter up to the team balcony to direct the celebrations. This connection has endured.
Furthermore, the sheer numbers the Barmy Army can attract are as attractive to the sport as they are to host grounds. On this tour alone, their official tours will accommodate a large number of fans on tour. A variety of celebrations are planned for the 30th anniversary.
This is, ultimately, an entity born of cricketing passion and business acumen. The explanation they mark their founding to a Adelaide game is because that was when they started producing merchandise. The first small batch was so quickly sold out – and lucrative – that it sparked a commercial operation. From that point, the original members have helped turn a group of mates into an industry-leading sports tourism business.
That brings its own complexities, notably at a time when sport is attempting to move beyond some of its lads-lads-lads image. The Barmy Army's leadership are keen to point out that a sizable minority of their supporters on tour are now female. With societal shifts, the vocals have had to get less offensive, too. "Things that were acceptable 30 years ago you must avoid now, and that's correct," says a representative. "It's not possible to tell someone how to behave within the confines of their seat, but we will not promote songs that are insulting."
Might the Barmy Army evolve quietly? The average supporter age is now approaching middle age – like the pioneers, who have been happy to step away from the day-to-day running. One founder is experiencing this tour purely as a supporter – leaving newer staff to run the Barmy Army's digital presence. "You forget how difficult it used to be to coordinate with each other," he smiles. "It was all done all by word of mouth – 'everyone's going to the pub!'"
Turning to this Ashes series, the impossible dream of a series victory remains alive, which is typical of their spirit indeed. Should England are defeated in Adelaide … well, the next tour awaits.
Felix is a tech journalist with over a decade of experience testing and reviewing consumer electronics, specializing in smartphones and smart home devices.